Journal Entry: Winter 2017
I am in the nursery one night at church. There’s a little boy in there named Ben. He is almost one year old.
I can hear “You are good, good, ooooh.” in the background and I am standing in a dimly lit nursery (so the other baby can sleep). I am holding Ben’s hands up as he stands.
Then all of a sudden Ben looks up at me with a beaming smile, his whole face shining with pure brilliance. He giggles a little bit. Looks down at his feet and then looks up at me again.
Time stopped.
Its as if my life were a movie and time stood still for a moment so God could take me out of my body to see what was happening and write something else into the script of the movie of my life.
I heard the father say to me,
“Alyssa that’s what I want to do with you."
"I want to hold your hands laugh and beam at you so proud of you for standing up, while you look at me in complete amazement of the fact that you are standing and we are doing it together.”
I wanted to cry but they were held up by the fact that I didn't fully know how to full out cry on the job.
It was beautiful.
timeless.
musical.
magical.
simple.
the meaning of life.
gift.
superb.
clar-if-ic (clarity and terrific)
It's funny how a moment can change you and how it's a series of moments that make up a complete change (Like whoa big).
These moments mean everything. You look back on all those little moments that time stood still and changed you moment by moment and you realize you are now standing in a completely different spot than you were a month ago.
Wow.
And it occurred to me in this one moment as time did stand still:
I don’t think I am missing what to say, or what to do, or how to do it.
I am missing those moments with God when time stands still and I just look at him and know it’s all going to be okay.
I am missing crying on his lap and him stroking my back. I am missing the tickling feeling of deep joy when I get something right and I can feel thousands upon thousands of angels clapping in my belly. I am missing his smile. His laugh. his eyes.
I am missing those moments when time stands still.
I am missing being with him.
I think... I am missing a father.
I don’t really know if I think you’re mad at me, if I need to perform for you to be pleased with me, or if I just feel unworthy of you without having anything to show for it.
In any case, I need a reintroduction to you... Father.
“Receive my grace...receive my Son" - My Father
Journal Entry: Fall 2017 (Today)
So many of us are just trying to do enough to make sure we get what we "earn" from God. But I am here to tell you there is so much more to life than just getting what is "fair." God is an endless God... A good Father who gives us good gifts. He never intended us to get "just enough" or what is "fair" but to give us what we don't deserve and could never ever earn. To live in his miracle of grace every single day. He's close...No merit required.
"You're worth more." - My Father
Father, I pray today that you would lift heavy burdens off of everyone reading this. I pray that they would recognize the ache in their bellies is a longing for your Fatherly presence in their lives. Let your kindness lead us to repentance. Remove the cloud covering the reality of Your huge wrap - around loving arms around us. It's okay. you did nothing wrong. He is not mad at you. I know it's easy to think so. Father, tear down the walls of our hearts. We surrender all the "supposed to's" "should have's" and "not enough's." You never cared about all that. Holy Spirit come close.
Don't worry, He's right here. You can lay your burdens, anger and fears down now.
