It Is Well With My Soul
It is well with my soul
is what played as I walked down the aisle at my wedding. I sobbed and smiled at the same time. When I got to my Vince I felt so overwhelmed by God’s love I fell to my knees. In those really precious moments, I was given a gift I never thought I would receive. Marriage. Family. My inheritance as a daughter of Father of life. It is everything I thought was stolen from me and broken.
Now, when I let myself, I look around at my life and think I am living my dream. A dream still tender and a little like dough when it's rising at times - if you touch it too hard it will deflate.
I imagine my Father, Jesus and Holy Spirit sitting with the rest of our guests, our friends, the sun, our families, the moon and the starts. Each gave us a gift that day, our guests gave us presents for our home, our friends prophetic words, the sun the golden dusk dew the hour we became one, our families a legacy we could never work hard enough for, the moon a spotlight of delight over us - gleaming with comfort and the stars a dancing foretelling of our destiny. Yes, I believe God was in all of that.
But when I imagine him sitting there, I see my Father smiling. He’s proud of me. More than anyone else he knows the heartache, the tears, the giving up and all that he did to make sure I had what my heart thought it lost. I also imagine Jesus so happy he’s crying too. He feels the love I feel and He’s the one that died to make it happen. Because of that, He rejoices with me and in me.
He whispers “This moment, to see you like this. It was all worth it.”
Holy Spirit danced to a new song that day. I believe He was just dancing with the rest of heaven but the wind breezed gently as we stood before God and confessed a bond no power can break. It’s as if I could feel God in the wind say “I am happy.”
Even though nothing can take this away from me, I still have moments…days…weeks… when I forget.
Recently, I had one of those moments…ok I was out for few days. It started with a family event that brought up so many bad memories. isn’t it funny how certain memories stick? and how certain smells, sights and familiar scenes can bring those sticky memories up with all their gooey feeling? We don’t have control over which ones stick. The good ones or the bad ones.
Sticky.
My Springfield mom reminds me often that my past is behind me and that regardless of how I feel in the present, there comes a point when I have to make a decision. A decision to leave the past behind and move forward. But it's just so sticky.
I find I cannot escape the pit of my past to the present and future without feeling feelings…. It just doesn’t happen. I try sometimes to make decisions without feelings - but this I learned is called cognitive dissonance. Your brain, heart and body have to work in harmony in order for things to change and be real. There is no faking it.
I saw myself on a ledge. The ledge was not where I wanted to be, facing old, dingy, sad memories. But when we live on the edge of a cliff we trust. and that’s where my bubble burst. I haven’t been trusting God with this part of my life. More like avoiding eye contact with it. It is actually a part of my life I wish would go away sometimes, I feel shame about it and I wish I could change it. rewrite it.
Sticky. Sticky. (I felt that confession deserved two “sticky’s”)
The funny thing is - I didn’t do anything wrong. I did nothing but I feel shame for things I never had control over. choices my parents made. Not me. I find myself desperatly seeking control and safety. But that's isn't freedom. It is a result of living in fear. Trapped by what I think might happen if I don't hold all the cards.
Then I looked down and I saw a sea of disappointment. I saw myself down there. A younger, sadder me. But then I saw all the things God spoke to me since then and every decision I’ve made to believe the truth about myself and about God and how I have no control over most of life but I belong to a God who is strong enough to make it all right. So no need to try to control life.
I believe that I could have jumped into that sea of disappointment. But I didn’t. I think Jesus was secretly holding my shirt. Just kidding. I actually think He stood behind me knowing I would make the right decision. He wanted me to make that decision for myself.
It wouldn’t pay homage to all I’ve walked through, we’ve walked through to jump in. It honors me and what we’ve been through to see and believe in who I am.
And here is where my Springfield mom is even more right:
Last week I was worshipping with a big group of women and we sang “It is well with my soul…” It all flooded back to me, the promise, my wedding day, how proud He was that day… Today….everything He gave me. I heard Him calmy and firmly say,
“Alyssa, the enemy loves to rub your nose in the past. When he does that you just remind him what I’ve done for you.”
I knew what He meant immediately. Before my wedding day, before my heart was shattered Jesus gave me something.
He gave me life.
unscathed. unbreakable. pure.
All the sticky stuff I get caught up in, God scooped that out. Yea. That's right.
No one can take this life away. He is the only one who could give it. It is mine. What I have ten years later is sweeter than what I had before. I have redemption, I have a song of resilience to sing and praise to my Savior that comes deep from my gut. I am alive because of Christ. No more sticky.
I pray this comes alive in you as it becomes more alive in me. We are free from sticky.
He made it so that before I was even born or could feel shame for things that weren’t even my fault I was protected by His Blood. His blood has defended me from before I could even breathe. His blood has defended me before I could even say Jesus.
His choice to die and make me new is not affected by someone else's choice. Ever. and when the enemy tries to stick my nose in the sticky icky stuff I get to lift my hands and say actually, this is who I am.
I am a new creation,
and so are you.
His blood is stronger than the sticky stuff.
