God Told Me Not To Take A Missions Trip
A few weeks ago I was babysitting on a rainy day and God saw my stillness, my gratitude, and he spoke to me through a Curious George book about rainbows.
Light exists apart yfrom rainbows, sunsets or sunrises. But when light travels through rain or something shiny like a diamond at just the right angle we get to see light in full color. We get to see Rainbows. Sunsets. Sunrises.
There’s been a fear, am I repeating history? The history of divorce, destruction, doom?
Demons.
“You aren’t repeating history, you’re making it.”
Back to rainbows... Curious George showed me while we see seven colors, a rainbow actually has billions of colors. WOW.
A rainbow is evidence of what light really is. Color.
Billions of colors exposed by light = A RAINBOW.
What if the painful cuts in our lives are actually history being made, not repeated?
What if when we cry, our tears plus His light make rainbows through our stories... our history?
So I am going to let a little light in.
When I went to Northwest University, in my sophomore year of college I stepped into leadership for the first time in my life. I spent the previous summer praying about what God wanted to do on campus. I wanted to do a good job.
I spoke in tongues for the first time that summer. When I did, I received what felt very much like the mother heart of God for his people. I saw a vision of the chapel on campus, students were worshipping and it started to rain inside. As the rain fell on the students' faces, they came forward and received nations of people. At the same time, I saw a flower emerge from the concrete of the sidewalk, a crack opened where the flower grew and spread throughout the whole campus.
...and maybe this was naive, but I told God, “I will sacrifice myself for this.”
I was asked to build a student missions department with only these expectations; to send student teams overseas.
My leader told me he wanted to be like a dad to me, and I believed him. I shared with him the vision God gave me and how I believed it could happen. The year I was in leadership, we did a month-long missions event, sent five teams to five countries and I believe God did fulfill the vision he gave me for the school.
However, I worked so hard, I once slept 18 hours straight after finals week. Over Christmas break, I slowed down, refreshed and God spoke to me. He said sweetly but firmly,
“Alyssa, I told you I would speak to you when to go back to Thailand, and I didn’t tell you to go.”
I felt punched in the gut. I had been to Thailand before, and when I signed up to be the missions director I volunteered to lead a trip, I assumed it was a no-brainer to lead a trip… to Thailand.
I was faced with a choice. Do I lead the trip anyway? Do I write off what God said and believe it will all work out?
Do I follow His voice even if it costs me?
How sweet is it to look back on this moment that seemed so ordinary and see how strong and powerful I was? His voice, His words meant something to me. I didn’t question it. I trusted him! - I am taking a mental note for myself today.
I decided not to go.
When I told my leader, I honestly didn’t think it would be a big deal. I expected grace, understanding, support. I did not consider the alternative. The response I was met with was something like strong disappointment, apathy, and fear. I was accused of “pulling the God card” and asked to reconsider. Telling me, “sometimes we think we hear from God when we don’t.”
The reason for my decision was incomprehensible to him and I think it tarnished my reputation in his eyes.
After this meeting, a series of events happened. I had fewer meetings with him. My friends volunteering in the missions department were called and personally asked to apply for the position I was in. I would have friends come up to me and ask, “are you applying to be the mission's leader again? Because your boss just called to see if I would consider applying.” His son on our student team joked about not voting for me to my face. I was brought in for questioning and evaluation where I was publicly opposed by him in front of a panel of other leaders. I was humiliated and I don't think I was ever confronted about what I could have done differently.
Then in May of 2012, I was officially fired.
Later on in chapel, I heard God whisper, “you said, you would sacrifice yourself.”
The irony.
The program blossomed, God's vision was fulfilled, and if you go there today missions on campus has only gotten better.
But I gave myself for it and it hurt.
It cost me something.
"You have not been saved by works but by grace so that no one can boast…"
The hint of pride in the word boast stung me.
Humility is not just for when we are wrong, it is also for when we are right.
When we have the right to be angry, hurt and confused but we choose to forgive, we let go of being right and serve our enemies. We grow, we get free, we move on. We get to write the headline of a story like this instead of having it written for us by our enemies.
ANY story where we are wronged but braved the walk of forgiveness deserves to be spoken, seen, and marveled. Because it's a miracle.
A rainbow.
God told me it is only a rainbow when we can walk through hard things but our hearts stay tender and soft. We must be able to choose to serve our enemies fully with love, falling even more in love with people than before for a rainbow to appear. Can you say you've done this? I couldn't.
A heavy thud as the pride I'd been harboring hit the floor.
Humility does not justify this leader’s behavior, it doesn’t give me the outcome I want but it does change me. It does make a rainbow for all to see. So here you go. My rainbow.
I don’t regret my decision, I did it for my papa. He is proud of me and that’s all I wanted. But it still hurt because my choice cost me something.
It honestly took a lot of years for God to make the wrongs that happened here right. And he has, with every word he has made it right in my heart. But I haven’t spoken about it because there’s been a small terrifying voice telling me, maybe I deserved it and maybe everyone will justify what this leader did.
But I've decided to share it. Because it was worth it.
It's uncomfortable to share because it cost me my pride, my job and my credibility with this leader.
Even though it is uncomfortable for me, I am not going to hide the edges of my life that could be used to make rainbows in your lives too. 50 percent of shame dissipates when you say it. It’s scary and my heart is beating fast but I’m doing it.
*Below is the rainbow part of this story.
Listening to God's voice always costs something.
Recently, I was laying in bed worshipping and the man on the video said, to not take shortcuts out of God's presence. I have been tempted in this season of life to take the shortcut. To avoid God's presence - His voice to make it easier, to avoid criticism... But when I read this story I am reminded my life has always been marked by His presence. He has always marked me with his presence. He has marked US (Vince and I) with His presence. It is was the marking of our wedding day, the vision he gave us for our marriage - That all would encounter His presence. Through us. Through our story.
His presence has always and will always be the point of our whole lives.
So why would I deter from this now? Well, I forgot listening to His voice, choosing to follow him, choosing to have more of Him, choosing His way... It costs something. It always does.
Listening to God's voice always will cost something and it will always be worth it.
It is my joy to follow Him - to carry my cross, to follow his lead, to choose the road less traveled.
So here it is! Judge me if you want. Speculate. It won't matter. It is all a part of the cost... and my friends, He will always be worth it to me.
We have to trust God's voice before we trust peoples words.
God’s voice became so strong at this time of my life and when my character was questioned I had the choice to believe in the doubt of the questions or the voice of my father. I had the choice to believe in the opinion of a leader or the leader of my heart.
I give you permission to choose to believe what God has spoken about you and to you.
I give you permission to choose not to believe what a leader or parent or friend or mentor has said about you or to you contrary to God's word.
God's words about us are the only solid foundation we can build our faith in ourselves on. I like to call this the building of our personhood. (I heard it said from Kris Vallotton once)
No one else can believe in me the way I can. No one else can believe in you like you can.
I can still sometimes rely so heavily on leaders, parents (who are our first leaders), or friends to believe in me that when they fail to, I get crushed!
We were never meant to rely solely on others support to believe in ourselves. Believing in ourselves is a superpower only we've been given.
God has put me in a place over and over again to teach me that before anyone else, there is me and Him. It is only His voice and my trust in his words that can build anything sturdy. It's the same for you.
Every one of us is born worthy, but God makes us sturdy.
A few weeks after I was fired, God told me to contact Charity Reeb, a lady who had been calling me to intern with her in Springfield, Missouri.
I did.
A week later, on June 8th, 2012 I was moved in with Charity's family, spending the summer getting her house ready for her Ethiopian sons and planning a missions event with her for over 4000 people.
Two months later, a week after I had officially moved, I met my husband on September 1st, 2012.
I lived in Springfield, Missouri for five years and in that time I fell in love, found family, and met some of the best people in the world.
Look at all the rainbows!!!
