Glory's Birth Story: Part 1
It was October in L.A. I was there for a good friend’s wedding…
It was my last day there and I had begun to feel a tinge of guilt and shame for having a day to myself. At this point, we had been in WA for about a year and a half and I did not have a full time job, I was weaving in and out of depression, not knowing what I am doing with my new surroundings and feeling guilt for not living the past year of my life with the hope and courage I am capable of.
So here I am at the beach in Laguna sitting at a cafe wrestling with being able to fully enjoy my day when I heard a whisper in-between flipping the pages of a book and sipping my bubble tea.
It said,
“Things are about to change Alyssa, I just want one more day with just you.”
(I balled at the cafe. I didn’t care who saw me. It was beautiful.)
I felt the fatherly love in his voice and knew THIS day had deep purpose to do all the things I loved, with Him.
We walked down the street and imagined what my life would be like one day having my own art studio. We awed at art, staring at it forever. We sat, covered in warm sand on the beach for hours. I stared out at the ocean and it felt like the horizon was Him staring back, talking to me. Then, at the end of the day, we celebrated. I bought a cake pop from Starbucks and I found a place to sit on my favorite rock to watch the sunset. As I put my feet in the water, I heard Him whisper,
“Alyssa most people won’t find out what grace really means because they get scared at the feeling of waves crashing above their knees. But don’t.” I looked up at the ocean, where my knees were covered by only a fraction of the waves my eyes could see beyond my feet I knew grace was the ocean and I had only experienced a fraction of it.
The waves bellowed.
They called out to me to jump in.
To not hold back.
You see, I have lived a life where grace was allowed sparingly, and only where I lacked or when I slipped up. I always tried to do the right thing, the best thing, in a way, the most secure thing. I did not see it then, but now I know I would not tread in life where I did not have at least some control. But this way of living no longer fits where He is calling, where I am being drawn to. It is holding me back. Keeping me stagnant.
“We need to move!!! We need to grow! We need what’s out there!!!” - my body, soul and spirit cry.
And this is where I will tell you, I am already pregnant with Glory.
And I have already said “Yes” to her in my heart two weeks earlier. I have told God He can have all my “prerequisites” for having children.
And He has whispered in my heart maybe three or four days earlier, “You’re pregnant…”
But I do not know this for sure.
And I will wait to take the test when I get home because I am not yet ready to “know” this yet and I want things to stay the way they are, in this perfection a little while longer.
As I cheers to Him in heaven with my pink cake on a stick, I am filled with His delight in me.
We have a conversation mixed in with the sound of the end-of-the-day waves crashing against the rocks, the whooshing of the water on the sand, the pink hues of the sky…
“It’s all about grace, Alyssa, you need to experience my unsolicited, unwavering, overwhelming grace.”
I feel it in this moment, I will not miss anything but everything will be given just as He desired from the start because,
His grace is sufficient for me…
I see my whole year, and my years before that and I marvel at how He has done it, how deeply he cares for me and has always gone before me to secure my future without me having to watch my steps. He is good. Later that night, I am walking home on the beach. What captures the attention of my whole being is not the sunset, but the moon. I am at peace. I know I have not earned what is coming, or what is, but I am open to it all. I accept it.
His grace is sufficient for me…
Right then Vince texts me “Hey, what about Sehaliah for a girls name?”
Sehaliah means “Glow of the moon”
I leave the beach feeling weightless with this reality, I cannot mess up and God can have control. I have surrendered and I have accepted, my life now being crashed by a sea of Grace.
My life is not my own, it is won by grace.
When I was 20 years old I was at a women’s conference I was worshipping and I saw a picture of my mom. Then I saw a picture of Jesus crying, looking at my mom. I knew he was crying for me, we both did. He mourned with me the hurt I felt from my mom at this point in my life and then he said, “Alyssa I desire for you to know what I intended marriage to be… and I desire for you to know what I intended motherhood to be.”
In between tears, I said “Yes.”
“Yes” to marriage.
“Yes” to being a mom.
There are parts of pregnancy and motherhood that have been a blur, but in the middle of all my feelings, the lack of sleep, the unexpected things… the hard things… I have felt and learned this, letting go of control does not mean I have no control. It means who God is and what he has for me is better than what I had in mind, it means His might is stronger than my will and it means
His grace is sufficient for me…
I had no idea what becoming a mom would look like when I first said “yes.” But I can share with you now, it has been a steady path of freedom. An unraveling of control. An offering of my will for His might in my life. It is a Holy thing.
…and I can’t wait to share more with you.
…For no matter what, I will still sing with praise,
for living before his face is my saving grace!
Psalm 42 The passion translation (Read this)
